Where does co-dependency come from?

I have spent so many years examining my life experiences and the patterns I have noticed in my relationships. I wanted to share with you today some of what I have unraveled. I also wanted to offer some hope for people trying to pull themselves out of the co-dependency mindset.

First, I grew up in an abusive household where I was not allowed to have any needs. Grown ups had needs. Grown ups mattered. I was supposed to be silent and do what I was told. I tried to minimize how often there was fighting and abuse by being the perfect child. After so many years of this behavior, I learned to stuff my feelings and needs down and live for what others wanted.

I made some progress in my life overcoming that childhood abuse. I had success in my careers. I went to graduate school. However, there were some deep-seated beliefs I never addressed and when I married, I married someone who exploited my weaknesses and manipulated me in the relationship. I stayed much longer than I should have and gave so many chances. I even took on the martyr role of “well if I am with this person that means someone else doesn’t have to suffer under him.” I thought I could hold onto myself and be a good role model for my spouse to find some ease and heal. That never happened. Instead I became more abused, more co-dependent to the point I disappeared, and more isolated.

I realized I needed to escape the abuse and save myself. It was terrifying to set those boundaries and leave the abuse. I had to go no contact because any conversation turned into a manipulation to get me back. However, eventually, you see who a person really is and realize you need to focus on saving you and not someone else.  The co-dependency tendencies still lingered for over another two years. I had to dig deep and really examine beliefs I learned in childhood and challenge new beliefs my abuser taught me. I had to fight back to who I was as a child. I finally realized that before I was abused and beaten down as a child, I was a being filled with love and light. I was curious about the world and kind. My parents taught me the world was unsafe. I had spent most of my adult life proving my parent’s faulty belief correct because I was on autopilot bumping into the same negative people wrapped in different packaging.

I now accept that I am a work in progress and will always need to keep an eye on where my thoughts and feelings go. It is hard but worthwhile work because ultimately it brings me peace. I am learning to trust my instincts. I am learning to live one day at a time and not worry too far into the future. I speak to myself in a kinder way. I process my feelings and challenge my thoughts because I have slowed down. I made time for myself to do this by setting aside time in the morning and at night. (Check out the rituals post on creating a morning and evening ritual.) I have to invest in me. I am the best person to make the investment. I know myself best and know what needs work. I want to encourage you to start investing in yourself. Small investments of time and energy will add up, but the act of never investing is a tragedy.