Why are you angry?
As some of you know, I am a huge fan of Therapy in a Nutshell on YouTube. Emma recently celebrated one million subscribers. Her series on processing emotions is an excellent place to start for people who cannot afford therapy but want help. In today’s blog, I’m going to talk about anger and how I process it now.
My childhood home held many emotions and the most visible was anger. My parents were often angry about something—work, money, traffic, other people, and the news (check out the stop watching the news blog next). When they were angry, the anger was often misdirected. My father may really have been angry about traffic and work but he took his anger out on those he loved when he came home. I was not a child who went running up to my father to greet him. I wanted to see what mood my father was in before I started talking. When my mother was angry, any object nearby could become airborne. I have a clear image in my mind of the day that the wood dining table broke in two where the seam was for the leaf. The two legs were propped up and the middle was tipped on the floor. All of my mothers papers and pens were dumped on the floor. This was my example growing up of how to deal with emotions.
Fast forward to today and thanks to people, like Therapy in a Nutshell and Lisa A. Romano, I have slowed down the process of feeling an emotion and reacting. When I reach the point of being angry now I do the following:
Is this anger or something else? Am I also sad or scared? Am I upset at a person, a situation, or myself? How did I contribute to how I am feeling now?
Is what I am upset about something that I will even remember next year? Is this an ongoing problem or a person I deal with often for work or in my social life?
If this is an issue I need to address, what is in my control and what is not in my control?
What are realistic steps I can take so I am happier?
Let me use a recent example, the traffic where I live is getting worse. Our city population is growing; we have major congestion because many roads are only one or two-lane streets. Trucks often drive side-by-side and then you cannot pass the slow moving traffic. I needed to make an appointment. I ran into traffic. Now according to the app I used, I had enough time to get there. However, we were either completely stopped at a green light or only going 20 mph on a 50 mph road. I was angry. I went over the steps above.
“OK, I’m angry. What else am I feeling? I’m scared I’ll be late. I’m scared I will get bad news at this appointment. I feel alone because I cannot take anyone in with me. I’m afraid of hearing bad news.” I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that I needed to take this stressful day one moment at a time. I was already thinking of the worst news possible and I wasn’t even at the appointment yet. The traffic and being angry at the traffic was a good distraction from what I was really feeling.
Was this something that I would even remember next year? You bet. Regardless of the news I got in the appointment, there would be work for me to do and the need to follow up. I had steps I was going to have to take.
What did I have in my control and what was not in my control? Well I could be positive. If I had a good attitude, faith, and hope, the process would be less stressful. I would follow the recommendations and do my part, but a good portion was out of my control. I finally decided I had to turn most of it over to my Higher Power. Bad news is a part of life.
I made it to my appointment on time and guess what? I got good news! I do have work to do. In fact, the list is less than three feet from me. However, I feel better now knowing what I need to do. The anger and fear ended up being temporary. The lesson of faith, positivity, and responsibility is what I will take moving forward.
I invite you to try this method the next time you feel your temper rising. What else are you feeling? Is it about a person, place, or thing? What role did you play in the situation? What can you control and what is out of your control? And have fun being creative with how you problem solve! I recently spoke to a mom who was upset her child was covered in mud right before they had to leave for an appointment. She later laughed and thought, “Why did I not leave him that way?” The option did not occur to her at the time because she was afraid of being late and angry he didn’t listen. Instead of reacting in the moment, take a breath and slow down. The slowing down is counter-intuitive to our primative brains but you can do it. I hope this helps you spend less time on anger and more time working towards your short-term and long-term goals.
Namaste and thank you to all the mothers out there. Being a mother is the hardest job.
