Processing trauma
I have had panic attacks and anxiety disorder on and off for about 25 years. Recently, in an enclosed space, adrenaline sped through my veins, my breathing was shallow, and my brain sensed danger even though there was none. I can go for three years, five years and not have an attack and then the panic leaps out of nowhere taking over my life for a few weeks. After I calmed down and started breathing normal, I checked in and made a list. What had contributed to the stress and almost panic attack? First, I am having problems with my back. In particular the low back and tailbone and an area called psoas which effects the lower back, hip joint, knee, and ankle. It is also part of the fear reflex or the fight/flight response, this area can cause sleep problems, and works with the parasympathetic nervous system. See Vital Living by Janet Carroll. I have been to way too many doctors appointments. I have seen three specialists trying to figure out my physical symptoms. There are 40 muscles in the back and the psoas major and minor can cause trouble because back muscles actually wrap around to the front of your body where your belly and vital organs are located.
In addition to being physically uncomfortable, I am also part of a program called Celebrate Recovery. We have been doing what is called a step-study which mirrors the 12 steps of AA. Because of things like doing inventory and making amends, I have been processing trauma lately in a way that therapy never addressed. At Celebrate Recovery, we explain the process is for anyone with hurts, hang ups, and habits. Imagine if you had spent 20 years running—how tired would your muscles be? I was running, on guard, and on high alert for 20 years. Often in yoga, I would fly into a panic attack in the corpse pose. When everyone else was relaxing and some even snoring, I wanted to run. My natural inclination was to do a constructive rest pose and not corpse pose. I needed a “restful, yet dynamic opportunity” to calm down and tune into my feelings. (Same Vital Living link above). However, I am such a rule-follower and people pleaser, I would force myself to do corpse pose and sit with discomfort so I fit in with what my teacher asked the class to do. I’ve learned that’s normal based on how traumatic my childhood was and the PTSD I suffer with today. I learned to run and push my feelings down my entire childhood and marriage. Now I am in the process of feeling my feelings and finally dealing with them. I learned to ignore any needs or pain I had and focus on what other people needed. I can no longer run. I have an amazing support system in Celebrate Recovery and in my new relationship that gives me regular reminders it is okay to feel. I am in a safe place to ask for help. So the mystery of why my liver, kidneys, bladder, back, talbone, and hamstrings were out of whack was this psoas. My emotions are on a rollercoaster because of the program I am working. If I had been more diligent about self-care, I might not have reached that panic point. My call to action for all of you is to pencil in time for self-care and check your mind, body, and spirit. We are heading into the holiday season. After Halloween, there is a mad dash to make it to Thanksgiving and all the winter holidays. Even if you came from a happy and well-adjusted family, the holidays can bring added stress as you try to balance work and family. Keep self-care at the front of your field of vision. Do something for yourself every day. A 15 minute mediation can change you entire day especially if you are able to be consistent and do it every day.
Namaste and celebrate where your journey takes you today.
