Who are you trying to impress?
One of the exercises I like to do with coaching clients involves a deep dive on why they do the things they do in their every day lives. For example, why do you wear those clothes, why do you wear those shoes, why do you have your hair and makeup that way, why do you exercise, why do you drive the car you drive and so on. By asking why, my clients often uncover that some things they do because these things make them happy while others are due to making others happy. I’ll use myself as an example. I put on mascara and lipstick because it makes me happy not for the teller at the bank, or my boyfriend, or for church. For a long time, I dressed a certain way and wore the most uncomfortable shoes in creation because that was part of the “look” of a young lawyer working at a large law firm in NYC. We had a uniform of black or navy designer suits with high heeled pumps. I hated the entire outfit. It was not for me. It was because of what was expected of me, in other words, the pleasing of others and their expectations of me as a high-priced NYC lawyer.
Consider why you make these daily choices over the simple things in life and then go even deeper to explore why you do the things in your big picture of life. Do you work in a profession because that is what your parents wanted for you or was it YOUR passion in school? Do you put on make up for you and style your hair for you or are you doing it because you say to yourself, “Oh, I could never go to the store, bank, or church without getting my face on?” I have heard women say that before about their make up. “Let me get my mask on.” We all wear masks and do things in polite society in order to be part of our tribe. However, there is the larger tribe of the human race where a variety of behaviors are accepted; and then there is your smaller tribe of friends and family. Why are you doing what you are doing? Are you doing it for you? If not, who are you doing it for? Who are you trying to impress?
This year I uncovered I was drinking more than I wanted to because of a certain group of people. I am in my 50s and I was giving into peer pressure. I realized how sad and pathetic that was and started saying “no” when people offered me drinks. Even now if I do order a drink somewhere and I can’t finish it or I do not like it, I will not drink it. Someone at the table wants to finish it fine. Someone throws it out find. If I do not want or like something, I do not need to put it in my body to be polite. This happened with food at an event I went to and I had scooped something on my plate that was not to my taste buds. I am not going to eat that to save someone’s feelings. I am not going to say, “Hey this salad sucks” but I do not need to dish out a fake smile and compliment. I do not have to impress anyone. I do not need everyone to like me. I do not need a mask to interact with my tribe. If you feel you do need a mask, maybe question is this really my tribe?
Another reason why I wanted to cover this topic is because as the holidays approach and we visit family and friends, there is a tendency to sometimes buy or bring gifts and maybe go a little over the top. Why are you doing that? Are you spending money you do not have because you want to impress someone? “Mom, I’m buying you this diamond necklace because I want you to love me finally.” OR are you getting someone a thoughtful gift, “Mom, I’m buying you this diamond necklace because it reminded me of you and how tough you are. Your toughness under pressure made you beautiful like this diamond.” Never feel like you need to buy someone’s affections! First, doesn’t work. Second, that is manipulative and speaks to a self-esteem issue. Now do I want nice gifts? Yes, I want nice gifts! However, I also do not want anyone to break the bank, sell a kidney, or try to impress me. “A nice gift” in my definition is a thoughtful gift. If you saw it and thought of me then purchased it, that is an awesome and beautiful thing. Thank you!
I recently invited a small group of people to my house and said, “no gifts.” However, I mentioned my love of a certain energy drink. If people show up with my energy drink I will be excited and see it as a thoughtful gesture. I know they are not trying to win me over, impress me, or buy my affections. I am not having an event to get things. I enjoy having people over because I can be a social butterfly at times. I want to gather up my tribe and celebrate those happy events. I’m not trying to impress anyone. I am trying to be happy and share some of that joy.
So why are you doing what you are doing? And if it is not for you, who are you trying to impress? Those two questions can change the direction of your life. Happy trails.
