Recovering Co-dependent
People will sometimes ask me, “How do you know if you are co-dependent?” There are a few telltale signs. See if any of this sounds familiar:
Difficulty asking for help or being afraid to ask for help
Difficulty identifying emotions
Difficulty making decisions in your life so you ask for feedback from many people
Constantly worrying if your words or actions hurt someone’s feelings and then replaying the conversation over and over
Seeking the approval of others
Feeling responsible for someone else’s feelings
Fearing rejection and opinions of others
Compromising your own beliefs to fit in and not rock the boat
Accepting abuse from others because you feel that is all you can get
Let me assure you that you are enough and you deserve more after living like this for so long. When I talk to clients, the root is often back in childhood, but it continues to thrive and becomes so ingrained, those roots choke everything good and positive out eventually. Time to get out a chainsaw and a stump grinder and kill that sucker that is taking over your life. This is not a take a two-day class and it is fixed. This is not a go to therapy for a year and it is fixed. Formerly confused co-dependents, once you realize that this is your issue, need to be alert to co-dependent thoughts and feelings.
However, as a recovering co-dependent myself, I can tell you that feeling your feelings is not simple. Often we are so twisted into knots trying to please everyone and be perfect, we do not know how we feel until it boils over into anger, fear, panic, or resentment. I recently was feeling overwhelmed and out of control. I had to sit still (which is so hard when you want to run and fix someone else’s problem) and ask myself WHY am I feeling overwhelmed? What thoughts am I having that I have been ignoring and now they refuse to be ignored? I had made a commitment to do something and I had ignored my needs for over a week. This was not anyone’s fault. I had run into a bad two weeks where I was pulled in different directions and my needs ended up unattended to and ignored.
Another day I was running errands and the thought occurred to me, “my friend JR needs X, I should stop and get some.” My diligent brain said, “No, that is not your problem to fix. He is a grown up and will take care of it.” People do not need to be controlled. Other people are in our lives to enjoy and interact with in healthy ways. Me picking up something and making an extra stop, inserting my nose into something that is not my business, and expecting a pat on the head is being controlling which is the dark side to co-dependency. I recently gave my testimony at a Celebrate Recovery meeting and one of my realizations is the unrealistic expectations I had based on my co-dependent thinking. I do not need others to make me feel worthy. We are all born worthy and whole. Life happens and we experience sad events which make us think we are less than. Does that mean you don’t ask your elderly neighbor two doors down if they need anything while you go to the store? NO. Be kind but be genuine and do not expect anything in return. You are good. Know that you are good. You do not need a “thank you” or a “good job” because you walk with grace and confidence.
