Narcissist personality disorder
Narcissists (aka narcs) look for prey. If you are feeling weak, have childhood wounds, or believe you must be partnered up to be “complete,” you are making it easy for a narcissist to enter your life. Most narcissists themselves have deep childhood wounds. According to Julie Hall (teacher at AVAIYA), a narc missed childhood experiences with parents that healthy children have. Due to the parents’ failures, the narc develops a defense mechanism in the narc personality such as not having empathy, not being able to regulate emotions, not reflecting on their behaviors, being unstable and coming off as aggressive and grandiose. Narcs have black and white thinking, and so either you are prey or you are alpha like them. Understanding this underlying behavior and why they do not have compassion is not enough to protect you. Narcs will come off charming and fake their way into your life. You need to be careful how much you reveal when entering into a relationship. Because of their entitledment and feelings of superiority that cover the low self-esteem, they need to cross boundaries, hurt and manipulate others to have control and feel better about themselves. It is a toxic relationship because they are going to compete in the relationship. In a relationship, they want to beat you and one up you so they win. If they can’t win, then it is scorched earth and the narc will drop you and never look back unless they think they can get something from you.
You may genuinely love this person but be assured they do not and cannot love you. There is treatement for NPD but for this personality it is unusual for them to get help because they think they are perfect and the partner or spouse is the problem. The defense mechanism they developed in childhood is firmly rooted part of their identify and belief system. Narcs think they have to be this way to survive.
There are two types of narcs. The overt narc compared to covert narc presents differently. I unfortunately had both. Overt narcs are what we typically imagine the boaster, the person that has to be the center of attention, domineering, charming when they need you, and sometimes even high achieveing but there is no space for you. They have a lack of empathy and do not want to hear or understand your point of view. Your needs are an obstacle to them and during the point that they woo you they will put up with your needs for the big payoff later once their hooks are in deep. A covert narc doesn’t want a lot of public attention but they do like power. They are passive-aggressive in their anger, they will deny a dig when they make a sarcastic remark in private, and they are big on giving you the silent treatment to punish you if you do not give them what they need and in their mind deserve. A covert will play the victim in many areas of life even if facts show the opposite. In public they will be the perfect spouse but then behind closed doors when no one is looking they will insult you and undermine you to keep control of you so they feel better about themselves.
Narcs often project what they are doing onto their target. So you get accused of cheating when actually they are cheating. They accuse you of overspending when they have a gambling problem. The narc will claim they changed or give an insincere apology if they do not have another source lined up to feed their ego and disorder. Narc boyfriends/girlfriends like to try to call in two or three months and see if they can weasel their way into your life again. Say no because the narc has not changed.
Living with a narc and dealing with narc abuse is an ongoing invalidating treatment so you question your reality and worth. A narc will triangulate and tell others YOU are having problems behind your back. This gives them power and sets you up in case you get angry at the narc and call them out later. After years of being ignored, invalidating, gaslighting, and being treated unfairly, you may even be cut off from family and friends. Your body will have a heightened stress response and many report having generalized anxiety disorder or panic attacks. You are always under seige when living with a narc. You are in survival mode because your body knows you are in danger. I went through the experience of being trained to be helpless. I was always told I did not do anything right. At the same time this exhausting process is going on, the narc brainwashes you that you need them and no one else will believe you or love you. This makes it hard to break away. My friends over the years seeing the abuse would reach out over and over asking, “Are you okay? Why does he talk to you like that? Why is he acting like this on your special day?” Because heaven forbid it is a graduation, wedding, birthday, YOU cannot be the center of attention and it has to shift over to the narc. Even a covert narc who doesn’t want attention will pout and make sarcastic comments so your day or special celebration is ruined.
You need to separate from the narc. Every time I left I felt more confidence and happiness. I had opportunities to travel for work and because of that I had breaks from the narc abuse. I could see what I needed to do in terms of filing for divorce but on coming home often the narc would be on their best behavior to manipulate me. Empaths will try to connect again and think maybe it is not that bad but with distance and boundaries the narc nasties will come out. What do I mean? The narc, when you leave, will go back and forth between cursing you out and begging you to come back. A narc will threaten suicide and then say you should kill yourself. It is confusing. Divorcing a narc will often take longer because they will try to control the situation, manipulate the court process, and try to defeat you one last time. The narc figures if I make her life hell maybe she will give up and come back. I get to be in control of all aspects of her life again in order to feed me and my needs. They will also future fake. The narc will say, “I promise to go to therapy, rehab, take a family vacation, work less, pay off my debts or pay you back.” However, these are all empty words. I once had someone promise to give me six-figures if I would take this person back. After being promised many things for a decade, I knew it was not true and would never happen and ultimately no amount of money is worth your peace of mind and health.
The narc will feel no shame because remember they feel entitled to do whatever they need to in order to protect their wounded self-esteem. There is a bratty little five year old trapped inside of them and by the time they are an adult those behaviors are so ingrained there is no hope. If you are suffering from narc abuse, you need to reach out and find a therapist you can trust to work on a plan to get out of the abuse cycle. Seek out support. Hire a life coach to come up with a plan. You can recover and life a happier life where there is peace and love.
