Pulling the plug
When do you metaphorically pull the plug on a relationship? In working with people who are considering divorce, I often encounter individuals who are unsure if it is time to pull the plug on the relationship. Only you know what your dealbreakers are in a relationship. Here are mine and then think of your own:
Cheating-I define it broadly to include chatting with people online or by text. After my own personal experiences, I would even say a simple kiss is enough to pull the plug. Why? If you hear or catch a kiss, probably more is going on behind your back. I know of a husband who admitted to a kiss and it turned out he was having a full-blown affair that lasted almosst a year with the neighbor next door. Women are sometimes shocked when they find out their men are cheating; however, with some digging there were signs. Routines switch up. Men join gyms. Men stay at work later. Men need to travel for work. It runs the other way too. Men will tell me they suspected something was going on but did not believe it. Ultimately, the respect starts disappearing. You may not know why your spouse is being less respectful but that was the warning sign I ignored. Trust your gut.
Stealing-Is it possible to steal from a spouse? Yes. When you are together, you are building marital assets. If your spouse decides to divert those funds to gambling, drugs, romantic relationships outside the marriage, that is stealing from the marital property. Too many people, women especially but it does happen to men occasionally, allow their significant other to run the finances. You may feel relieved and think “Yes, that burden, that paying the bills, and balancing checkbooks is out of my way.” However, you need to know what your financial picture is and also get full disclosure before you start investing in things together. If you are going to buy a house as a couple, married or unmarried there is paperwork that can clarify what happens when the relationship crumbles.
Belittling-Some couples enjoy playful teasing and banter. I really don’t especially on topics like fidelity, body mass, and brains. Now all couples have their inside jokes and that is part of the joy and fun of long-term relationships. Making fun of each other though you’ll want to have some boundaries. You need to know when a playful joke crosses the line to a nasty dig. Long-term relationships mean you also know how to push each other’s buttons. If you love someone, do not push the button! If a man ever makes a comment about my weight or my intelligence, I will show him the door. I don’t put up with that crap. I know I am the whole package. You don’t want it; I will happily move on. Your mate should not want to change you! I don’t care if that is your weight, your education, how you dress, your manners, or your friendships. When you find someone, he/she needs to accept you and love you “just the way you are.”
The advice I give others is this—you know it is time to leave if:
Your mate has already started seeing someone else. If there is another person, then you need to move on.
Your mate has moved out. They have physically moved on; this is your wake up call.
Your mate filed for divorce. So many times I have had couples reconcile after a divorce has started. I have never seen it work out. Ultimately, those couples end up back in divorce court. If he filed and then asks for a second chance, be strong and do not let him back in.
All your money is missing. Some people are so shady. You go to the bank and the account is empty or even worse overdrawn then take the hint. If there are joint credit cards, cancel them. The stereotypical gold digger wants all the cash and bling. Once the money is gone many lovers are gone also. They had you support their lifestyle. Don’t be surprised if you see them out with a new person soon.
You fear for your physical safety.
I hope none of you experience disappointment and heartache. I do believe the silver lining that comes from those bad experiences is that when you finally find the right person you appreciate that loved one so much more. I encourage everyone who is getting married to consider using a prenup. People tell me, “I don’t own anything. I have student debt.” It doesn’t matter. Remember when you marry, you start building marital assets. At some point, you may own significant assets like a 401k, vehicles, a condo or home, and personal property like jewelry or musical instruments. Be prepared. I’ve had people tell me, “I could never ask my fiance for a prenup.” Why? Why are you scared of having an adult conversation with the person you are marrying? You need to be able to have honest conversations about tough topics. Relationships will not be all rainbows and unicorns. Honesty and humor go a long way in a relationship.
Good luck! If you need divorce coaching, you can email or call the number on the website.
