Attracting a Mate
This topic is presuming that you, dear reader, have hit certain life milestones. First, you are an adult (meaning you’ve reached age 18). Under the law you are legally qualified to be able to give consent and make major decisions. Second, you are not on the rebound. Your heart was not recently chewed up and spit out then pooped on by some half-human, half-beast creature with no soul. Third, you know who you are and feel comfortable with your assets and flaws. If someone tried to pressure you or manipulate you then you’d probably see their behavior for what it is and like yourself enough to walk away.
With those parameters in mind, how do you attact a mate with and without the online presence of social media and apps? This is not easy and you may encounter some less than stellar specimens; however, with grace and patience, you increase your chances by putting yourself out in the world.
Be honest and use current photos. List real hobbies and activities you did in the past month. The goal is to meet someone IRL (in real life). These people will notice if you used photos that are 10 years old.
Have firm boundaries and articulate them to the people you find. If someone is only texting and calling you for two weeks and is not trying to set up a meeting in public for say coffee then ask them if they only want an online friend or if they are looking for a mate. There is a big difference between an online friend, a hook up, friends with benefits, sexting, and a boyfriend/girlfriend committed relationship. Be clear and stand firm so you can weed out the time wasters.
Never give any money, gifts, or really personal information to someone over the internet. Men have told me about females who talk and seem interested only to hit them up for money to help pay for their cell phone “this way I can keep talking to you.” A person asking for money to pay bills, fix a car, pay for medicine is a warning sign. This person may not be real. You could be getting scammed or catfished.
Compare where you are and your interests to the person you interact with and see if it is a match. Personal experience tells me you need about a 75 to 80% overlap of things and values you have in common. You may love watching reality television and dance to Maroon 5. Maybe that doesn’t match but you agree on the role of money, religion, most music genres, ethics, long term goals, and hobbies. No one mate is going to be perfect. Some friendly advice I was given was to wait between three to six months for the crazy to come out. Some people’s crazy is a dealbreaker and you walk away. This is also why you don’t move in together after a month of knowing someone.
If you are not online, here are some tips that work for everyone:
Do activities you like to do! You have a better chance of meeting someone outside of your home doing things in your community. Visit a bookstore, museum, botanical garden, dog show, winery, auto show or festival. The activity interests you and if you bump into someone there then you know they have the same interest.
Take care of yourself. Go to the gym. Walk your neighborhood or a trail. Go to a yoga or other fitness class. Lean how to cook a new dish at a cooking class. Self-care is sexy. Self-care shows you are high value. Hopefully someone will notice you. Also, wear nice and clean underwear. Not because someone will see it (no showing underwear on the first date) but because it will give you a confidence boost. Finally, brush your teeth, comb your hair, and put on a shirt without stains.
Think and talk positive. Have a positive happy vibe going on inside. Your happiness will radiate to the outside. Steer clear of low vibe people who wnt some of your sparkle and are not ready to offer anything in return. Trust your intuition or gut if you sense something is “off” with a person.
Believe there are healthy, mature and available people out there. This was something that held me back. For a long time, I thought “all the good men are taken.” I had to shift this self-talk. When you meet couples, ask how they met. Never feel you need to settle in order to be in a relationship. The point of a relationship is not to be rescued or escape something. There is no “and they lived happily ever after” ending. The relationship is an adventure for two. Value laughter and kindness. Internal qualities rather than height, weight, eye and hair color last longer and add value to those moments you will share together.
GOOD LUCK.
