Why do I feel shame
My year started with COVID (again) and it sent me to bed physically. However, I also went into a tailspin on other levels including spiritual. All I could think was I want to assist my other brothers and sisters on this planet and make our time here more fun. Why would God send COVID my way again? Then my monkey mind jumped to I must have done something wrong. I got myself sick because I wasn’t careful enough. I went so far down the rabbit hole I thought I should give up, there is no point, I’m not getting anywhere and on and on. I felt deep shame on and blamed myself and called myself a failure when I was trying to control the uncontrollable.
I’m autoimmune compromised. Every time I go out I am rolling the dice. It is an act of bravery for me to go to the grocery store and stand among any one who could be carrying the last flu or cold. I refuse to stop interacting with people because of the low immunity.
Finally, in talking to a friend, I realized that blaming myself for COVID was the same as blaming myself if my tire gets a nail in it. I have no control over the nail. I have no control over COVID. I had internalized both of those and bathed myself in shame thinking I had messed up. The tire did not go looking for the nail. I did not go looking for COVID. Good things happen to bad people. That is life. I know life is not fair. I’ve seen that lesson over and over in court custody cases; however, I had trouble seeing that when it came to my health. Getting sick is one of those things that just happens like a nail in a tire that send you to the repair shop. Your plans get derailed but your plans are not over and impossible.
So here we are, it is almost spring. I know on the calendar it says spring but come on most zones get a day of spring and then winter. I am physically and mentally better. Those two go hand in hand. My challenge for myself after this lesson:
When I feel shame, stop and say “Wait. Did I do something? Or did something happen to me?” I can be a worthy person and a “good” person but a painful or annoying experience could happen to me. Do I suck? Did I do something? Or does the situation suck?
If my body starts feeling sick, stop, take notice. My body will warn me if I need a break. If my mind is anxious or overactive, stop, sit down. My mind will change how well my body performs. They are connected. Stress really can kill. Stress causes panic attacks, stomach aches, neck pain, back pain so we need to listen.
The next time you feel a bit twisted, take time to stop, and check in.
