How I healed with my father
There is a YouTube video about this, but in case you prefer reading here is how I confronted and healed my relationship with my father. Disclaimer-this is what worked for me. I do not recommend you go out and do this. Everyone’s situation is different. This is only meant to inspire others. Gauge where you are. Hopefully you are working with a therapist and have a support group.
I did an exercise where you write a letter to your abusers. You don’t send it. The point of the letter is to process what happened to you when you were abused. However, I wanted answers, and I did not want to deny what happened anymore to me in my childhood. I sent both letters. My mother’s reaction was to deny, deny, deny. My father reached out and acknowledged what happened. He apologized and said he had no idea, when he was dealing with his stuff, how it would damage me. He did not realize when he was trying to process his feelings and frustration what his actions would do to my feelings and thoughts. The abuse caused me to have faulty beliefs about myself and relationships that I carried into adulthood. It was the underlying poison I carried in my soul wherever I went in life. The abuse was so bad that at 18 I called the police on my parents. The police didn’t do anything to my parents because no one wanted to press charges and no one was bleeding. I asked the officers to wait and I packed up some things and left that day. I never stayed in the house again. My father was understandably upset. There is shame in these situations. He had lost it. My mother had lost it. I couldn’t take it anymore and believed they would hurt each other. The letter helped him realize how traumatic growing up was for me watching the cycle of abuse.
After that acknowledgement and apology, my father and I had a mature relationship. We were able to heal. I saw him as a man trying to do his best. He worked so hard doing 10 to 12 hours days. When he came home, he wanted to relax. The cycle in our house was dysfunctional because I had a narcissistic mother who he tried to please. My father would push his feelings down until he couldn’t take it anymore and he exploded. Normally, he was a kind, funny, and generous man but he had not come to terms with certain feelings.
The other outcome of the letter was I heard the truth about stories my mother had told me while I was in her care. She triangulated my father and me. For example, she told me my father had pushed her down the stairs when she was pregnant. “Never happened,” he told me. What happened was they were arguing and she tried to push him. Instead of him moving, because he was solid muscle, she fell back on her butt. She was upset, embarrassed, and angry. My mother ran down the stairs and went to complain to her mother-in-law. My mother never fell while pregnant. My mother also told me my father wanted a boy and not a girl (also untrue). She manipulated me as a small child to make me afraid of my father and to gain pity and love from me. My mother wanted to play the victim. I still cannot believe a parent would do this, but it speaks to how much a narcissist hurts and how desperate they are to try anything to compensate for that hurt. Had I not sent the letter, I would not have known my father was proud of me. We tried to make up for lost time. He died in 2000, and I still miss him.
My hope for everyone this Father’s Day is if your father is alive and you are on good terms, talk to him. My father and I would talk about sports, work, fishing and movies. However, we had a few major, deep conversations about life and what he wished for me. Talk about those feelings! You never know how long you have. I am thankful I had that healing moment.
Now if you have a toxic parent, you may have to go no contact. I understand. I stated in my YouTube video about Mother’s Day why I cannot speak to my mother. After my father died, she needed help with the estate and as an attorney I did that for her. She was unhappy with how I did it because I followed my father’s instructions. I also wasn’t getting her money fast enough according to her. I saw a side to her I did not like and felt was disrespectful. I have tried over the years to have some sort of relationship, but she sees nothing wrong in her behavior. Narcissists cannot admit they are wrong. They will fight to the death that they are right. They will gaslight you and brow beat you.
I feel fortunate for what I had with my father. I choose to focus on the good memories. Abuse is not 24/7. There are happy moments. Focus on the positive that you can find in the past. I choose to honor my parents in that way. Have a great Father’s Day.
