How do you talk to yourself?
Tell the truth on this one because we all do it. How often today did you have that inner monologue going in your head where you were speaking to yourself in a harsh, negative, and critical tone? The thoughts may zip by so fast (because you are also working, raising children, and answering the phone or text or email), you don’t even realize you are beating yourself up in your mind. First, slow the f*u& down. I’m not kidding. Multi-tasking should be banned. Researchers know now it doesn’t work. I will have a separate post about the danger of multi-tasking. Second, you need to catch those negative thoughts. For example, have you said any of the following?
I’m so stupid. Why did I do that?
I’m never going to understand how to do this. It’s impossible.
I’m a mess. I’m never going to make it.
I look awful today.
I need to lose weight.
My co-workers are talking about me.
My friends didn’t invite me over and the party is all over Instagram.
STOP IT! Catch that thought and then dissect that sucker.
I’m so stupid. Why did I do that? Well, you are not stupid. It sounds like you realized that you made a mistake. Great. How are you going to learn from that mistake and work on not making that mistake again. Maybe you called an ex-boyfriend you know is not a good match for you because you felt lonely. That’s okay. You made a mistake. What can you do going forward? The next time you feel lonely ask yourself who else can you reach out to instead of the ex. Use your support group of friends and family. If maybe you have been going on and on about this ex, start a journal. Journal your feelings. What made you think of the ex? What can you do for yourself to practice self-care instead of seeking out someone else to fulfill a need?
I’m never going to understand how to do this. It’s impossible. I have heard students say this often trying to get through a math class required for their major. You can do it. Right now, you are having trouble doing it. There are tutors. Many teachers will meet with students who want help. You can also search the internet including Google and YouTube for help figuring it out. Listen, some textbooks and some teachers are better than others. Ask for help. You are allowed to not know how to do everything. This is why people go to school in the first place. There was a 65-year-old woman who was having trouble learning how to use Word. You break down the problem into smaller steps and figure it out. At some point, you didn’t know how to walk, talk, or drive a car. Humans can learn.
I’m a mess. I’m never going to make it. If you invest power in that belief, it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Turn that thought around. You think you are a mess. What is wrong? What don’t you like? Have you been crying? Wash your face. Breathe. Do you hate what you are wearing? Go read the Spark Joy book. Your clothing should make you feel good when you put it on. If there is a shirt or pair of pants you hate, why are you still wearing that? Throw it out or give it away. You do not need to suffer with clothing you hate. I don’t care how much you paid for it or if it was a gift. You need to put on clothing that makes you feel good. Or maybe the mess is a physical mess and you need to organize. Start grouping like things together. If you have books scattered in every room in the house, pick up all those books and invest in a bookcase. If you have so many books the bookcase is full, prune down that book collection or buy more shelves. Keep all the books together in one room. Same thing with paper. Many of us have home offices now especially after COVID19. You get the mail. Take that mail straight to your home office and deal with it. All the paperwork should be in that home office and no other room in the house. Then when you need to find that book or that bill you know what room to start looking in.
I need to lose weight. Unless a doctor told you to lose weight, do not sweat it. Now, let’s say a doctor did tell you to lose weight for health reasons. The choice is yours. You do not need to do anything. If you choose to lose weight, then be supportive of yourself. Do an exercise that you like. If you slip and eat a cookie, then enjoy that d*mn cookie. Get back on the wagon the next day. I found it helpful to fast. Many people eat when they are not hungry. Emotional eating is a real thing. There is help out there. If you doctor wants you to lose weight, fire back, “okay, send me to a nutritionist.” Get real help and develop a plan. However, most people who tell me they need to lose weight are only saying that because they are comparing themselves to images on the internet and in magazines. Comparison is the thief of joy (I believe President Roosevelt said this). You are in a competition with yourself to be the best you. Screw what the magazine looks like because no one looks like that even the actual model they used. I hate filters. No one looks human anymore. Humans have pores, acne, scars, thin lips, big noses, cellulite. You are better than that so be kind to yourself.
I hope you get the idea. You catch a negative thought you are having and then face that sucker square in the face. If there is something you did or said that you truly dislike, what can you do to change it? Be proactive. Take charge of your thoughts. Is it true? Is there something I can really improve or am I beating myself up when I need to show myself compassion? If you notice, for example, that you gossip and realize that is something useful to realize and change, make the commitment to stop gossiping. Find a new behavior to do instead of the gossiping. Maybe get quiet instead of spreading more negativity. You create your thoughts. Your thoughts will shape the direction of your day and your life. Choose your thoughts wisely.
