How do you define marriage
Some of you may already know this but I am a married woman again! Me, this woman, who vowed after her divorce to never again go through that bull found an amazing person I wanted to commit to and love for the rest of my life. I will not presume this is or should be the goal for all people I coach that are going through a divorce. Some people want and need a good amount of alone time to work on themselves and cultivate a life they love. That is an amazing goal and one worth pursuing for the rest of your life. Other people may decide they want love and companionship but not to marry because the formality is not something they require. For some, the love of a pet is the perfect relationship.
Regardless of your status today (single, engaged, married, separated, divorced, widowed), you are enough and can choose happiness and gratitude. It is easy in our society to fall victim to the idea that one goal or milestone is marriage. I clearly remember in my 20s and 30s thinking that certain items needed to be accomplished for example get married, buy a house, have a family, go on lush family vacations, get promoted at work, etc. Mentally, there were all these boxes I was trying to check to be an adult. I was trying to prove my worth to myself by hitting all of those milestones. I wanted to be the one at my 10 year high school reunion that was the most successful. Now, in my 50s, I realize that was all a lie I did for other people that had nothing to do with what I wanted and who I was. I married young because I thought getting married and having children was what I was supposed to do with my life. (That is in no way a dig to young moms as I believe all the children on the planet are here for a God-given reason.) I challenged certain beliefs and ideas my parents taught me but I never went deep. I never asked what I wanted. I actually wanted to write and travel. I figured out a way to do those things but they always came second because the main goal and purpose was to keep the marriage together. I did an inventory in my 30s and again and my 40s and I realized so much of my day was for other people. When you are co-dependent, you waste your life making other people happy.
My marriage today is the cherry on top of my sundae. I wanted to get married and commit to someone amazing and worthy of my love and attention. We wanted to share the journey together. However, he and I know we are both capable and independent people. What makes this a joyous union is we add value to each other’s lives. We did not lose anything by getting married. I do not expect him to make me happy. We communicate on a level and in a manner I have never been able to do in past relationships. Communicating is easier when you know who YOU are and what YOU want. You are enough. You do not need to do anything to make someone like you or approve of you. Live YOUR life YOUR way.
