Expecting the best
I am an amazing planner and problem solver. That skill meant I was a great lawyer. I prepared, I looked for detail, I strategized, and found options. However, as a trauma surviver, that skill was not so great in my personal life. I had developed these skills as a defense mechanism. If I expect and plan for the worst-case-scenario then I would be ready. I would be ready if a parent exploded in rage. I was ready if opposing counsel tried to lie. I was ready because I knew facts and details. However, when you spend your entire adult life preparing for the worst, your storing stress and anxiety up in your body. I had my first panic attack on my honeymoon in my twenties. I could feel something was wrong. I sensed I needed to plan for the worst-case scenario. Not a big surprise, that marriage ended because for a variety of reasons but one was I never felt safe. I was extremely successful in my career because planning and being prepared are rewarded. It took a long time for me to realize that taking that home and living that way 24/7 was not a good idea. I needed to change how I thought and some basic beliefs.
First faulty belief, I grew up thinking no where is safe. I hated going home after school. I actually felt safer in school than at home because my parents were so unpredictable. I understood and could navigate the rules at school. I was not really sure what my parents would do on any given day. Because of their own personal demons, they did not always know what was next for them and emotions could derail any temporary peace in our home. When I moved out of the house and went to the dorms at college, my worst fear was confirmed because my roommate hated me. I lived in the first half of our dorm room and she lived in the back of the room. Every guy would walk through where my bed was to get to her bed. (Girl had a lot of dudes over.) She didn’t care what time it was or if I had a test in four hours. When you expect the worst, you end up with self-fulfilling prophecies. Now, fortunately next year I found a great roommate and had great roommates the rest of my college life. I learned I could interview people and find a match. I could prepare and investigate so I made small risks and wiser decisions.
Second faulty belief, I had control. If I plan for the worst, I can remain in control and keep everything on course. I was that person whose purse was a pharmacy. I had bandaids, a flashlight, mints, snack bar, umbrella, bottled water, and wipes. I always had a book with me too in case the train stopped on the tracks and was delayed. Because I was so well-prepared, I started attracting people that never prepared for anything. I ended up being the responsible one in our group. I was “the Girl Scout.” May be a cute nickname, but it is not fun to be taking care of everyone else. Most of the time, I was prepared though and it helped me feel better. However, it was a lie.
Third faulty belief, I could never ask for help. If I asked for help that meant I didn’t know what I was doing. I would delegate. Delegate means you know what needs to be done but someone else does that task you do not want to do. There were times I had no clue what I was doing or how to proceed. It could be a bad relationship or a bad business deal, I would research everything and try to figure it out on my own. I had great teachers over the years and I trusted them but I learned pretty quick at work that other co-workers will turn on you if they feel threatened by your talents.
Now let’s fast-forward to where I am now. I am middle-aged and have lived a full life. I have to remind myself to try to expect the best. When you plan for the worst for over 50 years, it becomes a habit. My brain instantly wants to run that path. I am training it to shift and think…what if everything works out great? What would that look like? Surgery is a great example. If you look at past blogs, there is an entry from when I had to go under the knife. I could think about everything that could go wrong. The other route is much more pleasant and productive, I could think about everything going well. It will not help my surgeon to perform better if I worry. The surgical team is not going to do any better if I have breath mints in my purse. I will follow instructions and not eat the night before; however, I am not in control. I also cannot do surgery on myself. (Although the current commercial running with a guy who tried to remove his own appendix is genius.)
My advice is to expect the best. You are having a plumber to come to work on a leak in the bathroom. Expect the best. You are getting on a plane to go on a trip. Expect the best (unless it is Spirit Airlines, drop a comment if you want that story). You are going in for tests at the doctor’s office. Expect the best. On any of these, I can give you a list of worst-case scenarios and to-do lists of how to prepare. However, I do not need that stress and neither do you. Think about the best case scenario. You have the plumber come over and they fix it for under $500.00. You fly and you get to your destination with your luggage on time. You go to your doctor and there is a simple cause and fix for your symptoms. It is possible everything works out for your best so start expecting good things.
