The Narcissist Next to You
Calling someone a narcissist seems rather common place now, but around 11 years ago I didn’t know what the term meant. When a student came to me and warned me Mr. X is a narcissist, I did not believe her. How do you spot one? These are some of the signs that lead me to the conclusion that student was correct.
Your friends and coworkers tell you
Life seems to revolve around them
You and your needs do not exist
They ruin special or important occasions for you
They gaslight you
Let’s take them one at a time. This student was not the only person over the next ten years who warned me Mr. X was a narcissist. I had other friends, coworkers, therapists, and neighbors warn me too. Actually several of his own friends, also warned me. I realized it, but I didn’t know how to end the relationship until I realized I had to end the relationship to survive.
This was a person who easily sucked all the life out of the room. It did not matter what else was going on in the world, or what problem you had or a friend had, Mr. X had to be the center of attention. I will never forget Mr. X coming to an important doctor’s appointment and somehow making my illness all about him. He was so smart. He had done research. He had something like this illness or knew someone else with that illness. And oh by the way doctor, I looked up your degrees. You went to this college. We were here for me to get help and feel better but everything shifted to Mr. X. If there was a power outage, screw everyone else Mr. X needed his power back on because he had something very important that he needed to do and why don’t you the stupid customer service rep act faster. Eventually I started calling him DIVA X because only divas act this way and people put up with it. Over the years, he lost friends because many people were strong and smart enough to see what he really was.
This leads to the other part of the problem. If everything revolves around the narcissist, then you do not matter. I clearly remember being ill and vomiting over and over. I was unable to even keep water down. I asked Mr. X to take me to urgent care and he said no, drive yourself. I said, “How am I supposed to drive myself if I keep vomiting? You want me to vomit all over the car?” The idea of the car getting dirty got him out of his chair (not me being ill or needing help—the car). He is driving and I’m vomiting into a trash can in the car. He drops me off and guess what happens inside (hint it was all about him). I used to tell my friends my hair could be on fire and he wouldn’t look up from his computer if one of his scifi shows was on. I had a broken wrist and was in a cast after surgery and he literally slammed the door in my face so he could eat popcorn and watch television “in peace.”
Well maybe on special occasions Mr. X would rise to the occasion and be supportive like birthdays or promotions. Nope. No, Mr. X liked to pick fights and sabatoge those special days. The day before my bar exam, he picked a fight with me. The day I got tenure, he cursed me out. On my birthday, he had to work and was fine with my friends taking me out. We also didn’t exchange gifts. I realize now that he wouldn’t want to buy a gift and acknowledge any accomplishment I had. Over decades, there were a handful of occasions where he acted appropriately, but you know what he would say when the day was over and all of the witnesses to his Mr. Caring act were gone? “OK you got what you wanted so can we get back to normal now.”
And so we end up on the last and probably best known hint that someone is a narcissist and that is gaslighting. If you ever hear yourself say, “I wish I had a tape recorder” or “I should tape this so the next time you say . . . “ If you feel the need for audio proof of the absolutely batshit crazy stuff that comes out of a person’s mouth, you are probably with a narcissist. I would give Mr. X my schedule. “I didn’t know you had to work late today. You never told me.” I would leave instructions on something important that needed to get done. “You didn’t tell me it had to be done today.” It makes you crazy and wears down your soul until eventually you say “uncle” to stop the fight. There were many times I tried to go to sleep or walk away from a fight and the fight would go on for hours into 2 or 3 a.m. I would give in and say Mr. X you are right, I’m wrong so I could get sleep and be able to drive myself to work the next day. Then the next day when I am tired I would say, “Why did you insist on arguing with me until 3 a.m.?” He would try to say it wasn’t 3 a.m. it was midnight like I can’t read a digital clock.
If any of this sounds familiar, my best advice for you is to make a plan to get this person out of your life. If it is a friend, spend less time with this friend and fade out. If it is a co-worker, ask your boss if you can move your desk or start setting boundaries. I had to tell a co-worker to “please get out of my office, I need to finish this work today.” I wasn’t rude. I was firm. It worked. If it is a spouse or someone you have kids with, yes the split will be harder. However, I encourage you to talk to professionals and create an exit strategy. I called a woman’s shelter. I spoke to therapists. I spoke to friends. I spoke to a lawyer even though I am one. It took years for me to leave but finally it happened. I will never look back. I have regained my peace and my sense of self. I want to thank my support system who helped execute that plan. You know who you are. Thank you with my whole heart. If anyone out there needs advice on leaving, I’m here.
