The role of a step-parent
After many years in family law and dealing with blended families, I became a step-parent myself to wonderful adult children. Most of what is in this entry is from my role as an attorney, guardian ad litem, mediator, and life coach for other families. Some is drawn from personal experience in my extended family; some items are from personal friends and their journey into becoming a step parent. A list of books you may want to read will be listed in the comments below.
You marry someone with children. Whether that spouse has custody or not, you are now a step-parent. You have no legal rights when it comes to the children. Your role, even though you are not legally responsible for them, is to be another positive adult figure in their life. If both biological parents are involved, then you build a loving and positive relationship, but you respect the authority of each biological parent. You NEVER replace the biological parent. You never speak badly about the other biological parent. This can be tricky when the two biological parents are still high conflict.
A stepparent becomes part of an existing family dynamic. Biological parents and children have established roles, traditions, communication preferences, and unspoken bonds. To try to replace a biological parent disregards that person’s role in the child’s life. If a child is stuck in the middle of two households, the child may experience high stress due to a desire to please both biological parents who expect opposing behaviors and standards. Only in extreme situations when the biological parent is absent or unknown could a child elevate a stepparent to a parent role. I have done several adoptions, including adult adoptions, where stepparents adopt a step child to make the relationship official and legal so they are now the parent under the eyes of the law. However, normally, even if a stepparent has sporadic visits during the year, the child will still yearn for a biological parent especially if that parent was present in the child’s early development phase. Instead of erasing or disrupting a child’s biological parent, realize that you have the option to become another positive person to support the child.
To recap:
You are not the disciplinarian. You are the enforcer. Family meetings may be best for addressing bad behaviors. Unless the biological parent says you can punish a child, you are not in a position to discipline the child.
If you compare your biological children to your stepchildren, you are causing confllict and resentment. Growing up in today’s world has enough stressors, there is no need to add stress to a child’s environment.
Respect the ex-spouse in order to coordinate family holidays and school events in order to reduce stress on children.
Be patient. A shy, young, and slightly scared child will take time to adjust to a new person especially if that person is moving into their home.
Avoid pumping the child for information on the other parent. It is important to demonstrate the ability to keep healthy boundaries. Be a positive influence. You may not be the biological parent but you can earn the respect of a parent.
