Why get married?
In my upcoming book, Say Yes To Yourself available from Balboa Press and Amazon, I discuss navigating the dating world. I explain the need to spend time on yourself. My position is if you go looking for marriage and chase it from a place of “I need to get married,” you are unlikely to find success. I have some real-life examples for you to consider if you are currently marriage minded.
I have a friend who went through a nightmare divorce. I asked him why he married his ex-wife. His answer was “Well I knew her in high school. She was nice. I was 32 and it was time for me to settle down. All of my friends had gotten married.” Read that back. He did not say he married his wife because he loved her and wanted to build a life together. My friend married her because he thought it was time to follow what all of his friends were doing and she was “nice.” Wow! Talk about a love story for the ages. No wonder they got divorced. He went into the marriage for the wrong reasons in my opinion. He was looking for validation from his peer group.
I got married at age 22 to someone I knew in high school. I thought we were a good match. Our mothers knew each other and had tried to play matchmaker during high school. No teenagers listen to their mothers. When we saw each other again, he was in the Marines, and I was working in NYC doing press releases. We were a striking couple. I thought I loved him. I don’t know if he loved me. I wanted to get married, build a life with him, and have children which is big in my Italian culture. When we were married, I sometimes wondered if he married me to prove to his mother that he was a grown up. Sometimes it felt like we were playing house. Regardless, we seemed to each have our own agendas for getting married. We grew apart; he left me a letter explaining it was over. He didn’t show up to our couples therapy appointment so I filed for divorce the next week.
I have one more real-life example to give you on marriage. I have a female friend, who is a catch, but finds herself entangled with a married man. When she met him, he was not wearing a ring. Everyone thought he was single. Eventually it came out he was separated but still married. One of his daughter’s was engaged and about to get married and for that reason he was not looking to get divorced. He did not want to create family drama at his daughter’s wedding. He and his wife on paper would pretend everything was fine in front of their family and friends. Now, it has been over two years that my friend has tolerated this situation. I don’t know why he won’t divorce his wife, but at this point my friend has accepted this odd arrangement. This weekend he and his wife on paper are going to another family wedding. According to him, he and his wife are staying in two different hotels and attending the wedding together. Why stay married? Would you stay? There is no love and there is no life together. They do not even reside in the same state.
One of the ideas covered in my book (and also in the companion workbook which will be free to people who buy Say Yes To Yourself in the first month it is out and join our Facebook group) is the concept of setting boundaries and knowing who you are, what you want, and what you deserve. Many of you know I am a fan of Lisa A. Romano. She and others in the coaching and the recovery community talk about how we “are enough” and need to act in accordance with that idea. Please do not settle. Please do not marry someone because of what your friends and family think. Even if the gown is purchased, invites have gone out, and the venue is booked, YOU CAN STILL WALK AWAY. If your intuition is saying this is not right, then listen to the message you are getting. Or maybe you are having panic attacks. Your body could be trying to tell you this is wrong. This person is not for you.
When I got divorced from my second husband, I said I would NEVER get married again. My brain, heart, and soul has healed and I am in a new place now. I can see myself getting married. This time I will marry for love. That was my biggest sin! I did not marry for love. I married because I thought I had to go through with it and there was no escape. This time I will marry someone with similar core beliefs and values. I will marry someone who loves and appreciates me exactly how I am which is a quirky nerdy weirdo. I will get married because I don’t need to have someone by my side as I finish my journey in this life but because I WANT THIS PERSON to enjoy the journey with me. I will physically, emotionally, and spiritually support him and he will do the same for me—not because he is expected but because he wants to come along for the ride.
Enjoy your weekend. Evaluate those dates carefully and ask WHY? WHY this person?
